Getting older

It's happened. I

Cities make me ugly

I work in a city. I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday. I walk to the train station and I catch a train to the city and then I join the countless others in the march. The eyes down, grey and black clad march of the clones that filters us past the homeless, the young and the travellers and into our multi story concrete and glass cells.

I jam my earphones into my ears and try desperately to listen to my audiobook or my music as the sounds of busses, construction and beaurocracy impose on me.

I close off my senses as I am assaulted by perfumes and body odours. My space is invaded as we cram tightly into the carriage or as we march the streets and make unwelcome accidental contact in a desperate bid to hasten to our destination.

There's women in high fashion. I feel poorly dressed, overweight, undergroomed and overwhelmed.

Here I am one of many, feeble in my non conformity. Ugly, afraid and shallow.

I loathe what this city does to me. I loathe the mirror it holds to me.

Just 3 more days.

When does it happen?

When does it happen? One day you're young, full of potential and dreams, sassy, smart, pretty and the world is your oyster. And slowly over time you compromise a bit of you here a bit of you there, you adapt to the world around you, grow, develop 'evolve'. And then you look back, and all of a sudeen you're fat, boring, uneducated, uninteresting, jaded miserable bitch who doesn't even like herself let alone justifying true friendship with another human - love seems such a foreign distant experience that its basically just a joke. A sick fucked up joke that someone played on you and your only now starting to understand.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing.

When does it happen? That the lights inside fade and you become nothing but a series of compromises? A million short sighted attempts to be happy played out to be nothing but shallow emptiness and longing.

I don't even know what I want any more, how i want my life to be, who I wish I was. I know its not this, but can't imagine it being any other way.

I can't think of a single reason to continue doing it. I just do. Because no matter how many glorious ways I can think of to end it, they all seem nothing but cheap cliche.

It takes blood and guts to be this way, but I'm still just a cliche.