Empty Vessel.

She finds herself unable to reach the normal locus of inner calm. Previously an undiminishing well of sanctuary now a devestating void. Grey hands reach out and grasp but to no avail. Sheer frustration at lifes unending insecurities. Lack of commitment from others leaves life hovering around her, feet clear off the ground unable to find the gentle solice of earth.

The well has been drained by weeks and weeks of insecurity. Token gestures of care not enough to sustain the drain of everyone elses self pity.

A slap from a friend, a backhand from an employer, and with a mirror held up to every weakness, already shaken and vulnerable, the final blow - he lets her down.

Yearning has grown too strong again. Detatch. Damn it detatch. But oh! She does pine to be held in someones arms and cared for like the babe so regularly neglected by the perpetual adult.

So much potential and yet wasting away in this den of iniquity. For shame.

She desperately needs to have some fun. bring forth the Medusa, woman scorned, bitter and dangerous. The night of deamons awaits and the gorgon intends to let her hair fly free.

Brazillian Toe Massage

A gentle tingling sensation starting at the feet. Energy courses through the body and invigorates with its flow. Drift off and relax...

Concious of bright lights under the eyes, thoughts drifting in and out as the colours get brighter and then an image. A child, a cow, BIG giggling eyes, hide behind a pink veil.

Not a veil a petal, giant lotus leaf drifting down a gentle stream... Big dewy raindrops splash near by...

Drift off and relax...

A man at the top of a staircare as a door, ajar, lets through white light.

Return.

Mexico

The view is all around inside and out. Harsh reality of choices made rain down in the soul. You can't go back. pride holds her to this choice but fear and unkowing makes her pine for the comforts once known.

All will be fine. She knows this.

Looking back on the celebration of age brings warm ebbs of happiness and fullfuillment. The new life created entirely alone, yet filled with love care and goodness.

Life is good! Life is exciting! Life is being lived in so many ways.

She ponders on a fire that directs her life to Mexico.

Long term plans with him. Dare she even contemplate it? Mexico. Yes. That part feels right. With or without him. Protect herself at all costs. men are not to be trusted. Keep him at a distance. Do not fall in love with this one. But go to Mexico. perhpas not even come back?

Preparing to step through...

So,

She is evolving. Rapidly. And its wonderfully scary.

The body aches, the head pounds the sleep is short and shallow. The days are moving too fast and the fear is mounting and every thought process revolves around the unknown.

It seems melodramatic, an over reaction and yet, its impossible to supress. Massive change is comming. The ball has started and now the momentum cannot be stopped. Nor should it be.

This chapter has a lifespan measured now only in hours. A quarter century transformation. No longer considered a youth and from there the new life begings.

Goodbye to a place of solice through loss, fear and trepidation. Hello to an unknown world of hope and independance, born of fear yet fantastic.

She prepares to step through the window.

Words of a true friend.

May the force be with you, may ghia embrace you, and by god, remember you can always kick him in the balls if he makes you angry..

Fear of Love

I've come across something just recently that I had heard of but never believed in. Fear of love. Fear strong enough to pull yourself away from someone you could love leaving them desolate and confused and hurt because someone in the past once left you desolate, confused and hurt.

I am compassionate but that, that is something I struggle with. Something that makes me sad and angry at the same time, but most of all, today I am dissapointed.

Dissapointed that someone could tell me that they are afraid of me because I am too much what their heart desires. What a foolish notion. What a brutal way to turn away. What a cowardly approch to life.

Is this just a well rehearsed 'play'? Is this what gets the girls to swoon to build his ego enough to continue on uncommitted, unemotional? Or is this the cry of a broken soul lost in anguish so deep that there is no forseeable happiness even if it is there for the taking?

I have either been played by a master or lost a soul mate and either way, I am bitterly dissapointed.

Giddy.

Giddy. Happy. Confused. Excited. Invited. Success!