2.51am Saturday 02/04/11

It's important at the beginning to point out that I am uncharectoristivly melancholic this evening. I've been out with friends and went through the motions of having fun. Dressed in a dress too short, shooters, mixing drinks, dexies and dancing raunchy. But there is a sense of failure in me that I can't shake.

Career wise I am fortunate. A wonderful job. Good pay. A future with stability for the first time in this life. I am mostly good at it and the rest I'm effective at deploying my patented brand of manipulative bullshit to confuse all. Including even myself.

So why failure? Failure at attraction is my present concern. I lay naked in my bed. Brutal examination of my body would identify the descriptive 'overweight'. But even typing this word I become defensive. Fackund perhaps. Rubenesque even. But right now I feel brutal. And fat.

I've built a wall of ego around my body. I don't know why it deserves it but I punish it. Like a cruel master jealous of it's potential I break it down. Excess food, alcohol, cigarettes and even sometimes some drugs. Not enough sleep. Too much pressure. It fights back at me by being fat. Beautiful; but fat.

I have no desire too fix my body through health acts. Weight loss through diet and exercise seems so pointless and futile and... Inconvenient...

But now it's effecting the ego. The ego says we are strong, independent and stunningly beautiful. It remembers all the compliments. Lavishes in them. And in turn, spurns all critique.

But it's there, beneath, and not particularly deep but incredibly secret.

I loathe.

I am alone.

Who would chose this body for a lover when there is such a bounty of the nubile on the market. I used to be young. I used to be wise beyond my years and sharp of wit. Now I fear becoming mature and those around me are sharper, more impressive and undeniably more intelligent.

I loathe them and I fear for myself. They too are beautiful. Who will ever enjoy this body and care for it so that I might care for theirs?

I see no future for me. I know exactly who I am. And I lack all forms of motivation and drive. I am unable to know who I want to be. I tired of being the adored friend. I miss being the tantalizing lover. The exquisite delicacy to serve up with bounty.

I want to crash into some one. And have them delve into my soul. To come up sated. To be enriched. But the body. Is both weapon and enemy.