Fear of Love

I've come across something just recently that I had heard of but never believed in. Fear of love. Fear strong enough to pull yourself away from someone you could love leaving them desolate and confused and hurt because someone in the past once left you desolate, confused and hurt.

I am compassionate but that, that is something I struggle with. Something that makes me sad and angry at the same time, but most of all, today I am dissapointed.

Dissapointed that someone could tell me that they are afraid of me because I am too much what their heart desires. What a foolish notion. What a brutal way to turn away. What a cowardly approch to life.

Is this just a well rehearsed 'play'? Is this what gets the girls to swoon to build his ego enough to continue on uncommitted, unemotional? Or is this the cry of a broken soul lost in anguish so deep that there is no forseeable happiness even if it is there for the taking?

I have either been played by a master or lost a soul mate and either way, I am bitterly dissapointed.

Giddy.

Giddy. Happy. Confused. Excited. Invited. Success!

Suffocating

How did she fall from grace so quickly? From happiness, bliss and free dom to fear, anxiety and loathing in just a matter of hours.

The eyesight is hazy, she feels panic comming on. "I'm going blind" she thinks. "Blind just like him..." "Then what? do i become bitter and needy also?"

But she is bitter and needy and she knows it. Lack of love and true frienship has brought down harsh reality in floods. Waves of nausea clinging to childhood comforts. Why cling to this life that offers so little?

No home. No love. No career. What would the child think of her looking forward in time? Loser. Wasted loser no goals no ambitions just waiting for someone or something to set her free.

"Take me away. Please."

Gentle Rain

The View:

Courtship, friendship and financial harship all sit in her minds eye awaiting her constant attention. Instead she watches the rain and feels warm inside. Not happy nor sad she just is.

Time to buy more shoes she ponders. For the Mud. Childish glee flashes in her eyes as she plans her trek to the mud with reckless abandon.

Serenity and mud. Ohhh how she pines! Take off the shoes and squelch her toes and dance in the mud. Throw sticks in the stream and watch them race to a windy demise. Heavy dewy drops falling from leaves and plomping in her hair. Let loose let go. No ones watching, no ones commenting, no one here to give a damn just be free! The fantastic fantasy makes her smile from the bottom of her belly.

The waiting is almost over. Rejoice the faery goes home!

The torment begins

The view is hazy, unclear and distressing.

The nightmare reached climax in the furnace of dreams. Too much pressure and no release. Fallen too hard too soon. No love, no chance of reciprocation. Games, anxiety, fear, guilt. Anger.

Her home ruined. Her friendships never the same. Time to escape.

Exit stage left even. But how?

Surgical Sunset

Shes standing at a bus stop waiting in always uncomfortable shoes. 'Scuse Me' asks about the bus and the beach. Hes's on a journey to his last sunset and is frustrated by age and inability. Help is given and hope passed on and she will never see Scuse Me again but he will see his last sunset. Perhaps he is already gone.

Emotions torment the return of a different beast. One more sleep and then what will she do? Perhaps the lillies will come.

Beneith the stars

Beneith the stars, cold and blurred she is englufed with youthful freedom.
The life created thus far, satisfactory, the moment created thus far exemplary.
Life is fullfilling she says to the warm hand engulfing hers. Friendship.

Watching over in cruel irony is the encroaching counter balance she has seen looming. Instability. Determined not to lose the warmth within. "I am strong" she reiterates. "Stronger than ever before."

Nevertheless the instablility worms its way in. Bringing memories with it in flashes of sadness, unwholesome dispair.

A rush of air. The weight of a balanced exertion, powerfully counterbalanced, yet devastating to an unwelcome opponent. The balance is necessary, it is part of the punch. This time use a sinewave for good measure.